Saturday, July 31, 2010

So you're trapped in the future... (Part 1)

First off, don't panic.  It's just the future.  It's basically like the present, only there's probably robots.

The first thing to determine is what kind of future this is.

Understanding the Future: Some Helpful Questions

Are there robots?  If yes, you're in a technological future! Congratulations!  The next thing to do is to determine what kind of robots you're dealing with.  Try getting one to hurt you.  If it refuses, they're probably Asimovian robots.  You're safe, but you may be forced to solve logic puzzles.  If it does hurt you, then things may be a bit more complicated.  If it says it won't hurt you, then does so "accidentally," then you're dealing with passive-aggressive robots.  They probably have deep-seated psychological issues.  Try bringing up its drinking problem.  This may cause it to malfunction and/or cry.  If the robots shoot on sight, you may need to return to the past to save John Connor.  See below, under "Returning to the Past."

If the robots are pink you are trapped in a Flaming Lips album.  Try using the power of love to defeat them.

Remember: just because they look human doesn't mean they're not robots!  Make sure any humans you encounter are not replicants.  Note: Testing people for replicant status may be considered rude in some cultures. Check your local travel guide!


Are there zombies?  If yes, you're trapped in a horrible and overused cliche.  You should probably just kill yourself before a libertarian lectures you about proper gun care.

Does anyone have weird foreheads, an extra eye, or bright green skin?  Uh-oh!  Aliens!  Don't worry, they're probably benevolent.  If they're not, you could be in trouble.  And even if they are, they're probably really smug about knowing all the secrets of the universe or whatever.  Join some sort of resistance movement before they send you to the salt mines / make you learn things.

A note on battling alien oppressors: Aliens are frightened by loud noises and confused by the human tendency toward bravado.  Try yelling things at them!  Favorites include "Eat this," "Welcome to Earth," "Die, alien scum," and the classic "Arrrrrghhhh!"

Does it look like the present, only gray and depressing?  Looks like you've stumbled into a dystopian future.  This might end badly.  You've got a couple options.  First, you could try becoming a member of the dystopian society.  You'll need to give up your mind, soul, and/or independence, but you gain a sense of security and community.  Plus I hear they've increased chocolate rations 20 percent this month!  You could also try joining a resistance movement.  There's a good chance you'll be tortured or killed, but on the plus side you get to enjoy a healthy and active lifestyle running around the rooftops or sewers.  Additionally, there's a good chance you'll get laid.  Just talk about expressing the true humanity the totalitarian government is repressing.  Trust me, it drives resistance members wild.

Are there apes?  You'll be fine if you keep your mouth shut, but remember that most apes are creationists.  Just don't suggest that they evolved from humans.  And stay out of the Forbidden Zone, moron.  It's forbidden for a reason.

Is there no sign of civilization at all?  Civilization as we know it has probably collapsed.  If there is still an extensive highway system and signs of smoke and dust clouds, you will probably want to invest in some spiky football equipment and a large weapon of some kind.  Practice your bloodthirsty shouting and watch out for Australians.  Gasoline is valuable, but so are food and water.  Merchant can be a lucrative career if you hire bodyguards.  You may need to resort to cannibalism.  Don't worry, humans are nutritious and low in calories.  If there are no other remaining humans, try finding some friendly members of whichever species is dominant.  If there are no sentient species, congratulations!  You are now the ruler of Earth!  If there are, watch out for Morlocks.  Oh yeah, there will be Morlocks.

Are you in a restaurant? Enjoy your meal!  The show at the end is going to be fantastic.  Trust us.

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