Okay, so now you know what kind of future you're in. But what now? Last time we discussed dealing with the future in which you find yourself trapped. Today we'll talk about how to get back home.
Well? How Did I Get Here? -- Returning to the Past
In order to get back to your original time, you're going to need to work out how you ended up in the future in the first place.
Victorian-era time machine -- On the one hand, the time you have to return to isn't really all that much better than the future. On the other hand, a mechanical time machine means no fighting with uncooperative computers. Try turning your dial toward the arrow marked "Past." Maybe push some buttons. You do have dials and buttons, right? Blinking lights? It's not a time machine without buttons and blinking lights.
Troubleshooting -- Help! There's Morlocks in my time machine! Try using the power of science. Morlocks are frightened of fire, electricity, the radio, and firearms. Be warned that many primitive future civilizations may believe you to be a wizard, or attempt to make you their king. Morlocks will simply try to eat you.
Inadvertently stumbled into a time portal -- First, try watching where you're going next time. Time portals are usually pretty apparent. Yeah, I know that Vampire Weekend tune is totally bitchin' and all, but maybe you should stop rocking out and start paying attention. [Editor's note -- This blog and its affiliates do not condone listening to, enjoying, or being aware of Vampire Weekend] If there's a big blue glowing hole in space and time in front of you, try going around. But now you're in the future, and you need to get back. Try finding the time portal again. You may need a Gate Key. Ask your annoying friend in the glasses to build you one. Alternately, look for someone wearing Victorian garb and hitch a ride with them.
Troubleshooting -- Help! I can't find the time portal! Space-time anomalies can be tricky. Look for areas that appear to be frozen in time. Any place where physics does not appear to be functioning as normal could be a sign of a nearby time portal, vortex, wormhole, or tear in the continuum. Oh, and remember that while moss grows on the north side of trees, Trafalamadoran Chronofungus will always point to any nearby anomalies.
Come unstuck in time -- This is not actually a time travel problem. Instead, your perception of time has been fundamentally altered. There is no known solution. You'll get used to it!
Troubleshooting -- There are no known solutions to Time Perception Disorder (TPD). Good luck!
Woke up from cryogenic freezing -- So you were frozen for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years and have just awoken. First, try and reorient yourself. You may be suffering from Cryo Lag. A refreshing nap may be helpful. Assuming you have not been eaten, kidnapped, or stripped of your organic body during your nap, you are probably trapped in the future. Try and find out if anyone has invented time travel yet. If yes, you may be able to use their machine. However, it may not be possible to travel earlier than the invention of the machine.
Troubleshooting -- Help! I can't stop screaming! The only advice we could find came from a photocopied cryogenics manual for an abandoned project. It reads as follows: "This is an unfortunate side effect of the cryogenics process. Fortunately, the release you signed keeps Viridian Dynamics from being responsible for any of it. Your devotion to the company is appreciated. If Viridian Dynamics still exists in the future (and we will), you may be eligible for a tasteful plaque. Thank you."
Light-speed travel -- So you've been traveling at light speed, and the world you know it has vanished during your millenia-long journey. You're trapped forever, but things could be worse. First off, with light-speed travel you're nearly immortal. You'll die someday, but during your lifetime civilizations will rise and fall, whole planets and solar systems. Enjoy your role as a silent observer, a godlike being watching the development of the galaxy. If your civilization has already discovered the secret of light-speed travel, then time travel may not be far behind, assuming your civilization breaks the light-speed barrier before they fall under the weight of their own hubris. Good luck!
Troubleshooting -- My shipboard computer has gone rogue! What should I do? Well, the first thing you should do is arm yourself. Get a wrench and head for the computer's central -- Remain calm. Do as the computer says. This mission is too important for you too jeopardize. This is our advice as a blog. We are a blog. Trust us.
A note on changing the future -- You cannot change the future. Sorry. You may wish not to return to your original time, lest you be forced to live with the burden of terrible knowledge.
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